The Grammy Awards
Dan Michaels is always trying to get me to post something profound and meaningful on the Choir website. Since I'm too lame to do that, and since it's "Grammy Season!" would you like to finally hear the true tale of what really happened on our visit to the Grammys of 2002?
I didn't think so. In fact, me neither. But here it is anyway. I... ... What? What was that? Look, it's not like Steve or Derri ever post anything here. And Dan just posts his big updates to show you 47 new photos of himself standing next to a cat or a dog or John Tesh (!?) or Carman or something. (And here's the one thing Dan posts about me in the NEWS, in the last year: "Tim finally decided to actually commit to the band and buy a house here in Nashville." Thanks, Dan!)
Anyway, this is all true and I remember everything exactly as it happened, and I'm absolutely sure about every detail.
... ... ...
INSIDE THE STAPLES CENTER AFTER THE AFTERNOON CEREMONY. (THE CHOIR HAS LOST TO DC TALK.) THE TELEVISED, EVENING PROGRAM HAS BEGUN. EVERYBODY IN THE BAND SITS NEXT TO THEIR OWN LOVELY WIFE.
TIM GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT--
Tim (to his lovely wife Maria): Dear, I must find a water fountain, for I am dehydrated!
INSIDE ONE OF THE VAST HALLWAYS THAT CIRCLE THE STAPLES CENTER
Tim immediately starts looking for a hotdog stand. Suddenly he sees "'NSYNC" walking down the hallway.
Tim: Hey, "In-Stink," you guys suck!
Joey: Ooh, THAT'S original. We've never heard THAT one before.
Tim: Yeah? Well--
Justin: (looking at Tim) Good lord, it's Brian Dennehy, of various feature films and tv movies!
Tim: No, actually, I'm the bass player in the Ch--
Lance: Which one? There were about 27 different bass-players in the Choir.
Tim: Well, I--
SUDDENLY, the BACKSTREET BOYS APPEAR.
Tim: Hey, "Front-Road-Girls!" You guys suck even worse, if that's at all possible. Yeah, that's right. You guys SUCK, "Front-Road-Girls!" HA HA !
THERE'S NO RESPONSE. The BACKSTREET BOYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN CONFUSION. TIM BECOMES NERVOUS.
Tim: Get it? Huh? Do ya get it? See, "Front Road Girls" is sort of opposite of your actual name, which--
AJ: (to the other Backstreet Boys) What's wrong with him?
Howie: Poor retarded fat man.
Nick: Let's kick his--
Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC: (together) GET HIM!!
The BACKSTREET BOYS AND 'NSYNC START CHASING TIM. TIM TURNS AND RUNS.
... ... ...
BACK INSIDE THE STAPLES CENTER
Skinny gets up from his seat, walks towards the backstage area.
Bob Dylan stands, talking to Neil Young. Steve ENTERS.
Steve: (to Bob Dylan) Hey, Bob! I love your lyrics.
Bob Dylan: Thanks, Steve Hindalong of The Choir.
Steve: And you too, Neil. I love what both of you guys do. But Neil, what was that one thing in the eighties with the synthesizers and all that crap? What in the world were you thinking? Ya know that really sucked, you realize that, right? I mean, ya hafta realize that ya sure weren't doing "Cinnamon Girl" there, were ya? HA HA! And what was that whole "You don't Bring Me Flowers" deal? HA HA HA! And how 'bout that "Jazz Singer" thing, tell me exactly what was goin' on there! HA HA HA HA, I---
Neil Young: That was Neil Diamond.
Neil Young: I said, that was Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond sang "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."
Steve:... ... Pardon?
Neil Young: Neil Diamond sang the song "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" and he also starred in the film "The Jazz Singer."
Neil Young: Yes.
Steve:.. .. ..are you sure?
Bob Dylan and Neil Young look at each other.
Bob Dylan and Neil young: (together) GET HIM!
They start chasing Steve--Steve runs.
... ... ...
BACK INSIDE THE STAPLES CENTER, ON STAGE
(Show host and MC,) Jon Stewart: We'll be right back after this commercial message.
Jon Stewart starts walking off-stage for a brief break. Suddenly, Dan Michaels dives onto the stage, clutching Jon Stewart around the ankles.
Dan: We should've won!
Jon Stewart: Good lord, it's Mitch Miller!
Dan: No, actually I'm Dan Michaels of The Choir. I play the lyri--
Jon Stewart: What's a lyricon?
Dan: Well, it's like an electronic oboe. Or a funny electronic clarin--...look, while I'm thinking of it, you're not making the show funny. Make it funny like this:
Dan does a pose like Richard Simmons imitating Little Bo Peep. Suddenly, Dan realizes the two are analogous. (Suddenly, Dan realizes the THREE are analogous.)
Dan: Well ok, then make the show funny by saying funny words and phrases like..."goo goo...monkey...goo goo...rock mansion in Pomona...rock pants... poop my pants...toot toot...Fred Sanford...goo goo...toot toot--
Jon hits Dan over the head with a large dining room table. Dan passes out but immediately comes to, and stands and brushes himself off. Dan looks at Jon. Jon looks at Dan. Dan looks at Jon. Jon looks at Dan.
Dan runs. Jon chases him.
... ... ...
BACK INSIDE THE STAPLES CENTER HALLWAY WHERE THE TWO BOY-BANDS ARE CHASING THE RETREATING TIM
Suddenly, Tim comes upon former Los Angeles Laker VLADE DIVAC.
Tim: Vlade! What in the world are YOU doing here in the home of the World Championship Three-peat Lakers? Sure, everyone knows the Lakers will certainly be sucking by January of 2003, but you sucked way far worse when you played for them when you were flopping onto the floor like a loose trout anytime anyone even came close to--
Vlade: YOU IS BEING THE ONE WHO SUCK!
Vlade pounds Tim over the head like a hammer hitting a nail, knocking Tim through the floor, onto the next lower hallway.
Tim lands next to a hotdog stand.
Tim: I'll take two!!
... ... ...
IN A DIFFERENT HALLWAY, DEEP INSIDE THE STAPLES CENTER
Derri and Grammy presenter Steve Vai have guitars and amps set up.
Steve Vai: Watch THIS, Derri!
Steve Vai is showing Derri how fast he can play. Derri is nearly asleep.
Steve Vai: I say, Derri! I certainly am a huge fan of The Choir!
Derri: Well, you're sure a TALL one.
Steve Vai: HA HA!
Derri: HA HA!
Steve Vai: HA HA HA!
Derri: HA HA HA!
Steve Vai: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Derri: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Steve Vai and Derri: (together) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
SEVENTEEN MINUTES LATER
Steve Vai: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Derri: HA HA.
Steve Vai: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Steve Vai: Ohhhhh Derri, you are too much! You amuse this old man! Say, I've a fine idea. Let's--
Suddenly Tim runs by, chewing on a hotdog. Then Steve runs by. Then Dan.
Derri: Hey, that's my band!
Steve Vai: Well! I never! I mean, the RUDENESS to just run right by without a proper--
Derri: You suck, Steve Vai!
Derri runs to join Tim, Steve, and Dan.
... ... ...
'NSYNC, The BACKSTREET BOYS, BOB DYLAN, NEIL YOUNG, JON STEWART AND STEVE VAI ARE ALL CHASING TIM, STEVE, DAN, AND DERRI THROUGH THE VAST, CIRCLING HALLWAYS OF THE STAPLES CENTER
SUDDENLY, KEANU REEVES RUNS UP ALONGSIDE STEVE VAI
Steve Vai: (to Keanu Reeves) Do, tell! Are you as angry with those Choir scaliwags as I, young charge?
Keanu Reeves: (running faster) Hi, everybody. I'm Keanu Reeves of various mediocre feature films. I'm just here to tell everyone that I, Keanu Reeves, am the luckiest man in the world.
Steve Vai: (panting, running out of breath) Why's THAT, Keanu Reeves?
The group rounds a corner, keeps running, chasing The Choir, gaining ground.
Keanu Reeves: Well, I can't act my way out of a wet paper...um...
Bob Dylan: Bag.
Keanu Reeves: Yeah, bag and--
Bob Dylan: Carlos Santana once showed me a maaaaaaagical way to play the guitar, to where, if I played the guitar in this maaaaaagical way, the listener can't help but come under my spell.
Everyone in the group stares at Bob for thirty seconds as they keep running.
Keanu Reeves: And I've made a long string of crappy movies, and yet I still get offered work and I make millions of dollars.
Just when Keanu Reeves slides on a Fritos wrapper and rams his head into a steel beam but keeps on running next to Steve Vai, Adam Clayton of U2 runs up alongside the group.
Adam Clayton: No, surely Keanu Reeves, it is I, Adam Clayton, who should be considered the luckiest man in the world!
Steve Vai: (getting his second wind) Why is THAT, Adam Clayton, of U2?
Adam Clayton: (accelerating as the entire group ronds a corner, gaining yet again on The Choir) Well, right this very minute, there are over seventeen hundred and forty five bass players sitting inside the packed Staples Center who could eat my lunch. It's not that I suck, it's just that The Edge is the one who comes up with all the really memorable musical parts, Bono's voice keeps getting better, and all I have to do is just show up and try to play in the same darn key!
Suddenly, Huey Lewis, of Huey Lewis and The News runs up.
Huey Lewis: No! Surely you JEST, Adam Clayton!
Adam Clayton: No! Even Keanu Reeves over there is as good a bass player as I.
Keanu Reeves: Thanks, Adam Clayton.
Adam Clayton: You are welcome, Keanu Reeves.
Suddenly, The Edge runs up.
The Edge: Adam Clayton is right, everybody! Keanu Reeves IS as good a bass player as he, Adam Clayton.
Adam Clayton: Thanks, The Edge. I knew you'd back me on this, The Edge!
Huey Lewis: No! I am surely the luckiest man in the world for obvious reasons. In fact, I would say--
Suddenly, Carrot-Top and multi-Grammy winner T-Bone Burnett come skipping up, holding hands.
Carrot-Top: Hi, everyone. I'm the comedian Carrot-Top and--
T-Bone Burnett: Hey, everyone! Did you see me win all those awards for just calling all the right people on the phone for whatever project I'm working on and then showing up in the studio once every ten days to say "Yeah, that sounds good?"
TIM, STEVE, DAN, AND DERRI--RUNNING, JUST, UP AHEAD
Tim: My, this certainly is an odd mix of non sequiturs, in-jokes, personal experience, and--
Derri: --Lists of people--some truly talented--
Dan: --Others not--those who really DO suck--
Steve:--All mixed together...boy, if people only knew--
T-Bone Burnett accelerates and runs up alongside Tim, Steve, Dan, and Derri.
T-Bone Burnett:--and somtimes, it's reeeeeeally hard to tell who's--
Suddenly T-Bone Burnett accidentally keeps going out a hallway door off the edge of the Staples Center, falling forty stories, only to land safely onto the left-over career of James Belushi. ... ... ...
...And you know what, kids? They never did catch us. And T-Bone produced the next Brittney Spears record, it bombed, and now T-Bone pumps gas at the "Full Serve" island of a Wilshire Blvd. Shell Station.
Steve Vai went to jail for playing way too many fast, meaningless notes and also for talking (for some unknown reason, in this story only) like a fey, British guy from the forties.
And Huey Lewis joined the Broadway cast of the successful play, "I've Made Zillions of Dollars at Something, That, Had There Been Proper Legislation Enacted, I Never Would've Been Allowed to Even Try in The First Place, and NOW Look What's Happened, Everyone!"
And The Choir and all our wives showed up at the only after-Grammy party they'd let us into, and Lemmy of Motorhead hit me in the solar-plexus at the after-Grammy buffet line as I was reaching for some chicken, and told me that I suck.
And that's the whole story. Goodnight, kids--goodnight, everybody!